BACKSLIDE

Negotiating a friendship with an ex is always tricky, and messy. Even if you have the best intentions, there is always the inevitable moment of weakness.

Mine always seem to be in the foyer of some house in the annex.

In this moment of weakness,
I may have ruined the process of reconcilation

In a moment of weakness,
I took five steps back for every two I had taken forward

In this moment of weakness,
I was selfish, and took advantage of your surprising vulnerability

In this moment of weakness,
I just needed to be close to you

And so I allowed myself to choose comfort over progress.

I am remembering the words of dear Ana in a conversation about religion which we were having on Sunday. She quoted the Dali Lama saying that he believes the worst thing that Westerners do is beat ourselves up.

So I will stop doing that.

Everything happens for a reason. But it's hard to ingore the guilty voice in my head saying "you should have choosen differently"

I am now remembering the words of Antonio, "I don't live in the land of shoulds"

I will stop doing that too.

The weak moments have to stop, because I know I am torturing myself, and I know I deserve more than this, "better than this". And I'm not being fair to myself.

I just wish the better the more could be with you.

But I'm not sure which you, as our conversation proved, you are unavailable, by forces unknown. And I understand that.

But I don't have to like it.


So, I repeat my mantra, this moment, this moment, this moment. That is all I have. I have discovered, living like this is a lot more enjoyable.

This is positive.