BIRTH OF A REALISTIC OUTLOOK

So birthday month started off with drama and turkey and martinis, too many martinis.

Drama because DJ and me got into a fight at his party, more on that later.

Then JennyLynn cooked us amazing dinner and we drank wine all night and chatted and listened to good music, it was everything I love about Jenny in one sitting. MMM Jennylicious!

Holly's bday was on Thursday. Martini's and good times had by all! MMM Dirty Martini. And hot, hot bar owners.

Went out with the DJ last night to talk about what happened. There was some yelling, some tears, some almost kissing which he stopped, showing the willpower of a Olympian.

Sex in the City once asked "Do you need drama to make a relationship work?" also it has asked "Can you be friends with an ex?" Maybe the two go hand in hand. I know that with the DJ it seems we need some kind of intense emotional goings on in in order to relate to each other. I wonder if we will ever be just friends. The real thing that I discovered is that it is most likely not an us thing, it is a me thing. I need to keep the drama to keep the connection, or in order to keep me in the forefront of his mind. I need him to know that I am hurting or mad or fantastically happy.

Everything I do is related to you.

That is really fucked up, well, fucked up in a normal, with reason kind of thing. I had never realized how a person can teach you behavior, how you can get into this pattern and not even realize it. Through the talk we realized that we were pretty disfunctional, but that also we had an amazing time together. This I hope means, that after the dust has settled, and the healing is over we will be fantastic friends.

But I also know that I have a lot of things to work through, things I put up on the shelf because I thought being with him was enough to make me happy, fulfilled. It wasn't. The truth is I have felt lost and unfulfilled for the past four to five to maybe even eight years. Now is the time for me. I am going to talk to someone, a professional. Also, as much as I love the social scene, I am going to try to spend more Talia time, because she needs it.

This doesn't mean the wild times are over. I can't pass up a good party. Just more time for me.

I need more of the non-Whitney Houston exhaling.

Breathe out, breathe out.