TIME TRAVEL

I feel a bit weird about things today.

Just history on top of history

Layering my heart.

I leave with this. . .

The Scientist

"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start" -Coldplay

WHEN THE RAIN HITS

So, I have made it through the Milkfest. It was eight crazy days of no sleep, thousands of children, amazing shows and cute Europeans. How can I complain really?!

The week was ended by a visit from my Kevin, he picked me up from work in his Dad's convertible Mustang. I am not usually a get hot for cars kind of girl, but it was sexy to drive through the sunny streets of the city with the top down, I'm not gonna lie.

There is a heat wave in Toronto today, and the TTC was on strike all day. Sarah pointed out that crazy things always happen when things get hot in this city, garbage strikes, blackouts and now the TTC out of order.

It's like things are boiling under the surface and something has got to break. Then there is that moment when the sky opens up and it rains.

Negotiating in unions or among each other is much the same. We push each other, heating things up until it breaks. Negotiating a relationship is sometimes a futile effort. Sometimes it is better to leave it alone to evolve.

I had been pushing myself, trying to force a resolution. Until I broke, and realized, I have to get away. I have realized sometimes what you think is worth it is really not worth it.

I am being cryptic, but it is that kind of day today, hot and hazy and mysterious. When you don't know when the relief is coming.

My metaphorical rain storm hit about a week ago, and I am proud to say that it came from within myself this time.

And that feels amazing!

SHUT UP!

Holy it's been a while since I've last posted. Work is getting crazy, The Milk Festival will be starting soon, this weekend actually, so I will be fully consumed by children's programming, radios and chocolate milk product. But I love it!

I just had the best weekend; Friday was Kevin's birthday we stayed up until 4:30am talking about girls, (and boys). Ahh, living with him in September is going to be the best! Saturday was Holly's girly extravaganza; I don't think my Margarita glass was ever empty.

I have confirmed that I have the best girlfriends on the planet. I was looking around the room thinking how smart, and successful and fearless and supportive we all are, (not forgetting my women that weren't there). Oh, and we're dead sexy! I am so lucky to have been surrounded by so many powerful women my whole life, starting with my Mom and four sisters and moving forward to the women I call my friends today.

ROCK ON SISTER-FRIENDS! WOOT TO WOMEN!

Sunday I went to the most recent production of my favourite playwright, Daniel MacIvor. His new show is called A Beautiful View and it is amazing. All about a female relationship that is indefinable. Choice quote and I'm paraphrasing:

". . . the best thing to do for children, stop naming things in front of them."

As well they talked about something I have been mentioning in conversations for weeks now, the fact that we all need to shut up for a second. That the universe and a higher power are trying to speak to us but we are too freakin' loud, or we listen too hard to hear it. I really think that we are such self-sabotagers. As humans, we are conditioned, and as fucked-up Westerners we are conditioned to think that we always want, no need more. Our society is bombarding us with images of things we don't need, things that will "make our life better'. We end up always looking outside ourselves for fulfillment.

I finished the evening by watching Closer with Megs. This film is a perfect representation of the modern way of love. Well, with everyone saying what they actually mean. We don't see the other person except in relation to ourselves. And in relation to what we want instead of what we need. So we choose not to be happy, we choose the easy way out, to be safe. We choose not to work at anything, because love is a fairy tale that just works itself out, magically. We choose to stay in the midst of unhappiness out of fear of being alone. We are always looking around the corner for the better deal, for something more instead of stopping, looking around and realizing that we have it all right here, in ourselves, in each other.
And we wonder why there is a 50% divorce rate in North America.

". . . and all of the grief, we never even knew,we had it all along" Ben Folds from Smoke

Watch the film if you haven't already.

Later lovelies!

BACKSLIDE

Negotiating a friendship with an ex is always tricky, and messy. Even if you have the best intentions, there is always the inevitable moment of weakness.

Mine always seem to be in the foyer of some house in the annex.

In this moment of weakness,
I may have ruined the process of reconcilation

In a moment of weakness,
I took five steps back for every two I had taken forward

In this moment of weakness,
I was selfish, and took advantage of your surprising vulnerability

In this moment of weakness,
I just needed to be close to you

And so I allowed myself to choose comfort over progress.

I am remembering the words of dear Ana in a conversation about religion which we were having on Sunday. She quoted the Dali Lama saying that he believes the worst thing that Westerners do is beat ourselves up.

So I will stop doing that.

Everything happens for a reason. But it's hard to ingore the guilty voice in my head saying "you should have choosen differently"

I am now remembering the words of Antonio, "I don't live in the land of shoulds"

I will stop doing that too.

The weak moments have to stop, because I know I am torturing myself, and I know I deserve more than this, "better than this". And I'm not being fair to myself.

I just wish the better the more could be with you.

But I'm not sure which you, as our conversation proved, you are unavailable, by forces unknown. And I understand that.

But I don't have to like it.


So, I repeat my mantra, this moment, this moment, this moment. That is all I have. I have discovered, living like this is a lot more enjoyable.

This is positive.

AND IN THE BEGINNING

The beginning of a month always makes me excited for new possibilities. This month is no exception, only more so. I feel so full of possibility right now.

This is positive.

I finished temping last Wednesday, and I will be back at The Harbs fulltime on May 3rd. Oh summer festivals, oh summer weather, oh my sweetass peeps-I CAN'T WAIT!!!!

There will also be a lot more of Scottie in my life, he will be joining me at the water, and we are writing a new show together, that boy is the coolest!

I spent Friday night being a celebrity judge at his dance off party for Boom Boom, check it out, these parties are sooooo fun!!! Also check out the new picture of me and my co-judge Andrew on the front page. HOT!

So as a new month starts, I must say I am feeling a lot better. Living in the reality of your life is a complex process, but beneficial in the end. And of course there is much more healing to do, and possibly much more sobb-posts. It's all apart of the great, and oddly fun, mystery. Enbrace it.


The Amazon is back baby!!!