AM I 13 FOR GOOD?

Sorry I've been neglecting you readers, it's been a busy couple of weeks.

The start of Summer festivals at work, I can't believe it's here already!


Then Pride. I have never taken part in the festivities as much as I have this year, but I was helping a girlfriend chase her (potentially gay-eep) love interest, so I was in The Village most of the weekend. AND IT WAS AMAZING!!! Dancing, and drinking and watching my homo-couple friends be so free and so in love, it gives a girl hope.

I have to say that I am proud to live in a city where, when a hate-spreading individual went screaming profanities up Church Street, the entire crowd turned around to glare or yell back as his poor girlfriend pushed him through the crowd. Ahh, bigots.


On Monday night I went to the Dora Awards , it was a good time, but I spent most of the night feeling a bit insecure. I knew a few people there, but not too many, so I ended up hanging out with two theatre acquaintances, but I couldn't help but feel like a tag-a-long, even though I was invited to hang with them. I think it comes from wanting to be apart of a world that I am on the cusp of, but not quite immersed in yet.

Sometimes I am such a scared little girl with a big dream.

And that's ok.

I got over it by Tuesday afternoon and realized the power I have to change my life at any moment. This is a scary thought, but an empowering one. Sometimes there are forces you can't change, but there are always choices you can make.

I had a fitness assessment at my new gym on Tuesday.

I joined Weight Watchers yesterday.

It's time girlfriend, I said to myself.

During the meeting, the leader was talking about this exact thing. The moment you choose, to use all the tools and power available to yourself, inside yourself to make something happen.

I left with a huge smile on my face.

This is my time, I feel it.

I fucking love all these cosmic connections that are happening lately. Or maybe they have always been happening, I'm just finally awake to them. Silently listening.

I head for Taye cottage tomorrow for the long weekend with some of my favorite people on the planet. Happy Canada Day! I am so excited to get out of the city. I am missing nature, and home, (and other homes) so a weekend in the woods and water will do me good.

mmm cottage.

LIFE'S LITTLE SURPRISES

You know when you enter that time in a break up when you don't want to associate with anything to do with them, because you're a bit bitter. Well. . .

The Dears new song is amazing and now I can't wait for the album . I have always liked them, but they are one of Random DJs favs so I was avoiding them I guess.

But alas, surfing the net today, while procrastinating at work I came across their my space and the new song is there. I will miss their FREE SHOW at The Harbs
July 1st as I am going to a cottage party, but will defiantly have to check them out next time they are in town.

Also, there keyboardist/ back up vocalist name is NATALIA.

Cosmic connection?

Then you realize, of course the exes are not all bad, bitterness is a coping mechanism. Yada, yada.

And you are appreciative of what they have taught you.

Look at me growing!

OH! THE PLACES I'LL GO

I went out by myself on Saturday night. Ended up seeing some pretty rockin' bands at nxne. Burning Brides were pure rock and roll, completely what I was in the mood for. Noah's Arkweld made me nostalgic , in a good way, and Hayden guest starred. WOOT! Weird, because I was just telling Jenny she should really listen to him, then there he was.

I've been having weird coincidences like that lately, Ana says it means you are on the right track in the universe. I can live with that!

Going out on my own was an interesting experience. I go and see theatre shows on my own all the time. But this was different. I felt really venerable but at the same time confident. I think it is important to feel completely venerable sometimes, it teaches us how to deal with ourselves. You see yourself differently.

Sometimes I have these 12 year old girl moments, and it's annoying. Texting with a friend today, who I hope to become better friends with, I was all worried that I was saying (well sending) the wrong thing, I worried about it for about 1/2 an hour. Then reminded myself that you can not read someone's reaction through electronic communication, and also I am 25 years old so if we are only ever acquaintances, then so be it. (I hope not though.)

I have been having these bouts of uncertainty in myself for quite sometime now, they have gotten worse given the current events of my life. I think it is because I am on this path of discovering who I am again. What I like to eat, to listen to, to see, where I like to go. It's odd, and a lot like adolescence. I guess I am coming of age once again.

Which is actually pretty great. Who knows who I'll be.

Read it!

Also,if you're bored!

THIS PARTICULAR TIME

I sent a message today that I really didn't want to send.
But I didn't want to for the wrong reasons.

There comes a time when you have to stop censoring yourself, intentionally and unintentionally. You have to start telling the truth, because it is doing no one any good to lie about it.

Especially you.

There comes a time when you have to put yourself first, even when it is not in your nature. Even when it makes you feel so guilty, in a really fucked up way.

There comes a time when you have to start working through your fucked-up-ness.

In a completely non co-dependent way.

On your own.

There comes a time when you know someone you love so much is bad for you, not a bad person, just bad for you because of something inside of you that you can't shake.

There comes a time when you choose you.
And it starts to feel good, little by little. (I hope)

There comes a time when an artist says exactly what you need to, and it is overwhelming.

That Particular Time

my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself.i am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted
at that particular love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time

Alanis Morissette