ONE MORE THING BEFORE YOU GO. . .

Also,

I forgive you.

THE TRUTH HURTS

Went to Eric's birthday pool-party show extravaganza! Although a small crowd, we were rocked and rolled with pool toys in tote.

It really made me happy to watch people do something with such pure joy, that is a lot of what is missing in the world these days.

Random DJ was there, we had it out on the phone again-seems to be a regular event since last weekend, but positive somehow. I think I have gone through all the stages, and cycled through them again, now they sort of cyclone around me, never knowing which one will hit next.

I had the strangest experience at the show; this guy who looked a lot like DJ was walking through the crowd, and I got that excited "is that him tingle" that you get when you see the person of your desire. I laughed,

I am still searching for you in the crowd even though you are right beside me.

Not sure what that one is about yet. Maybe it's because,

you're not your true self lately, which is a shame because he is so lovely.

But then again, we haven't been our true selves for quite sometime now have we?

I have been thinking a lot about truth, and living in your own truth. I have also been thinking a lot about expectations, mostly because of this amazing post on Nick's blog. I think that it is so important to just put it out there, without expectations, but because it is yours, and letting it out is better than letting it die. So, I am going to say something that I may not be ready to say, but here goes:

I love you. I love everything about you, all the great stuff, all the bad stuff, all of your faults and fears and inherent fucked-upness. I love it all, and I know where you stand, and I know something had to happen to break where we were headed. But I thought that you should know that.

That's it, that's my truth. And now all there is is time, and many questions about where it all will go. But Krista, the beautiful angel that she is, sent me this quote on the subject of questions:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer. ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

So that's where I'm at. Looks like I found some words.

2 IN ONE DAY!

So, in the midst of sadness I think it is important to share funny moments, so I present random quote from the weekend:

"I think Texas should be judged less on George Bush and more on Willie Nelson"

-Russ from Chicago, that we met at the Madison Pub.

Good point Russ, don't be haters people!

"heavy heart have you heard? that i could use the words" SH

Saw Random DJ this weekend, after weeks of little communication.

In times like these, sometimes someone else says it best:

"if they ask you how i'm holding up

say i'm holding out for the words"

Sarah Harmer from Capsized

ANGER IS NO LONGER A WASTED EMOTION

So, as per the request of the cutest Nick I've ever known, the gory details of the breakup:

Once there was this girl, who met this boy, let's call him Random DJ, because he was, you see he was supposed to be a one-night stand. That was four years ago. I wasn't looking for love, but maybe it was looking for me, and I fall hard; I'm like a heroine addict for that shit. After nine months of pining, we were together. For three years. There were problems along the way, some of which I ignored, but most of which we fixed. In the end he decided that we "weren't meant to be together" and that "he has a lot of personal stuff to work out" and chooses to do that alone. Which I have figured out to mean: I don't love you anymore. This came after three months of kinda thinking about it, which I was not privy to by any means. Except for the unfortunate incident that I do not speak it's name. (come on, your smart cookies, you can figure it out) So, it's sounds like your average break up, and call me lame for thinking I'm special in the world,

BUT SARAH WARD SAYS I'M NOT LAME-SO THERE!

There are just times when the entire universe and every facet of your body and soul tell you that something is right-this was one of those times. But I saw it coming, I still see it coming, this is not the end- no matter how much you'd like to think it-

But then there is free will, and he certainly used his. Free will is funny, I am starting to believe that we can really fuck up life's path by the choices we make. HMM. That's it. It is the last time I will tell it. until the memoir that is

So, now I am going through the phases, or as Dave made me aware of: the cycles. I have recently entered anger, and continue to cycle between it and hurt/pain, bordering on acceptance. I do have one thing to report from the anger phase though:

If you could show one inch of emotion about this right now, that would be fantastic, I appreciate your concern, but the fact that it is dripping with patronizing denial is doing neither of us any good. Deal with your shit. Two weeks and one decision, no matter how big does not equal three years my friend. Stop being a robot with your emotions.

There I'm done. I feel better now.

On the upside lovelies, it is officially spring in the city, the smell of street meat melds with the sun beating down on Young Street, and I have just gotten my first mani/pedi of the season. It has arrived- welcome!

HOW IT ALL BEGAN

Most people believe that a life changing moment will change the way you view the world.

Mine was a breakup

I know, I know, it sounds like the same tired story, girl looses boy and needs to find herself, so turns to self-expression.

But this was no normal breakup.

There is something so fucked up about the person you know you're meant to be with telling you he no longer wants you, it makes you question everything about who you are, and who you were.

Because now, you are different.

The actions people take fascinate me, what makes them choose one path over the other. I don't believe in bad people, just bad choices.

And for every action. . .

So I turn to this journal to discover my own actions on this new course of life, and of course comment on the actions of others. Who knows who I will be. Who knows who you'll be.