I HATE NOT HAVING INTERNET AT MY HOUSE!

Mostly because I was unable to write about this ecstatically after it happened!


I worked the Sarah Harmer show on Thursday, and she was everything I could have hoped for. I had to keep my groupieness to a minimum, as I was representing The Harbs .
It was amazing and the show was amazing and she played all I wanted to hear, it was a spectacular moment I have to say. I was scared, because it's always tricky to decide if you want to meet an artist you admire so much and that is so connected to your emotions, but my girl came through!

Phew! I had to let that out!

This moment was bookended the next day with one of the saddest 5:30ams I've had in a long time. I went to a going away party for friends from Australia that were moving on in their travels. The party was great, I felt amazing, but something was in the air. . .

I ended up in a hallway in the Annex once more, with the DJ. I broke my vow, damn it! I don't know if it was the alcohol, or the fact that I have been thinking about him constantly for the past 2 weeks. I don't even know why I have been doing that. Man, this growth thing is like a fucking amusement park, sometimes you're on the ride, and it's amazing and you're laughing your head off, and other times, you feel like you're going to barf and are screaming to get off!

There were too many things said, I don't remember half of them, some from booze, some from some sort of self-preservation mechanism in my brain. It was okay, and then it went bad, and it was so odd. Then I turned around and the Auzies were leaving, so there were more tears. Tears filling up Sarah's apartment.

I find it so insane that there are those people in the world, that will always make you loose your breathe, even just a little bit.

I cried myself to sleep for the first time in months last night.

Maybe it's letting go, maybe it's holding on, I don't know, but it's somethin'.

BALANCING ACT

Sometimes when you are in the midst of the silliness of men: exes, crushes and potential relationships you just need to chill out with one of your best girlfriends and gossip about it, obsess about it together, instead of by yourself.

Thanks for Saturday Glynn, I didn't realize how bad I needed a night in.

I have been contemplating the male gaze a lot lately. What is it about modern hetero women, while we can be anything we want, do anything we want, we are still consumed by what men think of us. Is it a pure instinct thing, an animalistic quality, a mating ritual?

Or, like so many other of our neurosis, is it the fact, that while being told we can do everything, we are still bombarded with bullshit images of romance, and finding the perfect man?

As Sex and the City asks, "does every woman just want to be rescued?"

I lived for a long time, unaware that is what I believed for myself. I had (or so I thought) found him, so stopped focusing on things career related, or anything related to my goals.

I was a very bad feminist.

I believe that you can do both, I've seen 3/4 of my sisters do it, and they are rockin' some serious careers at the moment, with babies in tow. They are my heroes.

I still wonder though, my generation of women seem to be really struggling with this sometimes, and tend to go to one of the two extremes: all man all the time, or shutting partners out to concentrate on other things.

Where do we find the balance? It's tricky.

The first step of fighting an addiction is knowing you have a problem, I am constantly reminding myself, that, although they are fun, boys are not the way to define myself.

Right now, it has to be all about me motherfuckas!

I'M SURE IT WILL PASS

Song of the moment:


Shy: Ani DiFranco

In fact, the whole Living In Clip album

I fucking love it when you discover shit you haven't listened to in a while.

Apparently, I love swearing lately, I noticed the other day that I used "fuck" 4 times in a sentence.

I am in a mood.

And that's fucking okay.

HEINZ KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE TALKIN' ABOUT

I had an interesting conversation with Kevin about lying to yourself. I thought I had passed that point. I haven't. I thought that I was ready to move things forward, but I realized, in only a half an hour of hanging out, that I'm not that ready.

And that's okay.

It's just when you want something, when you wish for something so badly, sometimes you try to hurry it up, instead of living in the process. Like when you really want an meal, so you put the burner on high to cook it faster, but it just ends up burning and tasting bad in the end.

I learned a long time ago, things are worth the wait, I guess I have to remember that now.

Most importantly, I'm worth the wait.

In happier news, I had an amazing week at Fringe, saw some great shows, hung out with some great people. And. . .

WE GOT AN APARTMENT! We move in August 15th, stay tuned for house warming deats bitches!

HANG TEN ON THE WAVE OF CHANGE

Sometimes there is an exact moment, you can pinpoint it when you breathe a sigh of relief and the pain is no longer so painful anymore. When you realize that maybe you were wrong all along, not all wrong-but wrong on some significant points. And maybe it's not an exact moment that it all happens, but it is an exact moment when you realize, I am going to be okay.


That's the thing about change, sometimes its a slow gradual process that you don't even notice until you begin to look back. And sometimes it's a SNAP and everything you believed in changes.


I just had a whirlwind of a weekend-seeing exes, seeing crushes, Fringing, long talks with Kevin about his antics, and possibly finding our new apartment! (keep your fingers crossed)


I had this day on Saturday where I could feel the universe alining , that may sound way too corny, but it's true. Random people that I hadn't heard from in a long time showed up or called with news-some good, some not so good. Including a guy I was friends with in high school, which is unusual considering my high school is thousands of miles away.


Something is in the air-maybe it was the full moon, maybe it's a wave of change, what ever it is, it has me contemplating, but also giggling with pleasure.


We'll see what happens.

YESTERDAY IN SIGNS FROM ABOVE

If you see your ex (from afar) in the Annex and begin to have a mild panic attack, you're probably not over it.

Way to drive it home universe!

YOU HAD TO BE THERE

The cottage was amazing, I am borrowing an old writing exercise from my playwrighting class to express the inexpressible. . .

There are stories about celebrating our country
There are stories about a dozen of my closest friends, and meeting a few others
There are stories about ham and bacon and way too much beef
There are stories about Taboo board game-the all sexual version
There are stories about 4 hour games of charades
And 4 hour make outs
There are stories about going to bed with the birds( giggling)
There are stories about cats in heat
There are stories about The Ledged of Bob
There are stories about Jerry and Tequila
There are stories about Auzie birthdays and second desert
There are stories about compounds and dance party tents and palaces and swamps
There are stories about three generations of Maddisons
There are stories about laughing and laughing until it hurts
There are stories about time away
There are stories about friends that become like family.