AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT

There is a time when you realize the one thing you really needed. HOME.
I am so happy to be here, there is something about my parent's house that is like a hideaway, and a discovery every time .
I don't know if it's the fresh air, the slower pace, the quiet or the unconditional love all around me, but it sets me free every time .

This time I know I will be okay. This time I know it doesn't all have to be fixed all at once. This time I know I am in progress.

This time I know I am fabulous.

This time, I know I am worth it.

HEAVY HEARTS ON SUNNY DAYS

I believe that the universe sends you information to process all the time, and it is up to you to process it in the right way, to listen to the signs or not. I also believe it sends you little signs in hard times, that say you will be okay.

In that respect, I was listening to CBC radio (which I am now obsessed with) this afternoon and they had an interview with a member of this group . And they played their clips, amazing. What did I learn from this interview? Life is an amazing precious gift, and yes bad things happen, but worse things could happen, and bad things will always happen. But, amazing things happen too, and it is so short that you have to wake up everyday, excited and thankful and without expectations, and just keep ROCKIN' ON till the end and beyond.

I'm not saying that being sad is a bad thing, it is apart of it all, to feel it all, experience it all. That's life. And it is not a bad thing to take the time to feel those bad things, to take the time for you, but eventually you have to pick up your guitar again and get your rock on.

So, in light of this, and a conversation with Ana last week, when she said "I was devestated when we broke up, couldn't walk, couldn't get out of bed, but then I realized, my life is AWESOME, and I got up." I am going to list some pretty awesome stuff in my life at the moment.

1. I'm tall, and strong and healthy (knock wood)
2. I have many different places to call home, and feel completely at home in
3. My family rocks
4. My extended sister network is the most incrediable collection of women I have ever met
5. I have the opportunity to go to school when ever I want and study what ever I want
6. My cat.
7. My roomies
8. I have Italian Wedding soup for lunch-YUM!
9. Babies that my sisters bore.
10. I am beginning to fall in love with myself.
11. It's peppermint mocha season.
12. I know how it feels to love someone with every piece of yourself. And how it feels to be loved.

I feel a lot better. I know that I can not force myself to be in a place that I am not, nor should I feel the need to do that. I know I will get through this. I know great things are going to come. I know I am a good person.

Heading home tomorrow. SO FREAKIN' EXCITED!!!!!!!!!

LEAVING ON A JET PLANE

Things are weird!

It is December 18th, 7 days, 1 week until Christmas and it's been like 10 degrees, sometimes 12 degrees outside for the past week. There is no snow.

Usually I am sooo excited for Christmas, but this year I just can't get into it. I think it has a lot to do with the weather.

I am excited to get the heck out of this city, I am going home to Halifax for a week and a half. I am going to scwish my Mom and Dad and sisters and their babies! I feel like I am drowning in this city sometimes. Home is a haven of sleep and warm food and peace. Just me with myself, not having to be anything to anyone.

I got an emotional drive by from the DJ on the weekend. An email, wanting to see me before the holidays. I didn't know what to say. I am not ready, yet I want to see him, it is a feeling I can't explain.

Some of the girls say he is looking for an in. Some sense of control.

Sarah, dealing with her own break up, was full of grace and forgiveness for her former love.

I am taking a page from her book. But the question is, how can you just forgive when your heart is not ready.

I need space, I need to get out.

I feel like somehow he won, by me letting him see me. Is it about winning and loosing though? Is it all just a game of who can look better? Or is it just constant game playing that never lets you move on with your life? Is it worth your mental stability and your graciousness towards others?

I don't want to get pulled back in.

I am moving on.

ON A BETTER NOTE

I am feeling much better today!

About that downer post yesterday, it had to be said, but I think was clouded with my emotional state at the time, I do believe things can get better, and will with our efforts and ambitions.

Had the morning off today so slept for a sweet 11 hours! Man I needed that, then went to the gym and had a really hard workout, but good hard.

Things seem a bit clearer. I am seriously thinking of doing some work/travel abroad within the next two years, not sure what yet, but something or somewhere not here. (Not that I don't love it here)

Going to Karaoke tonight, should be amazing, Jason has 30,000 songs now, how will I ever pick from all the cheesy '80s hits?

Good times!

LIVE IN MEMORY

A dark, dark day in the heart of women, especially in Canada.

Every year on December 6th, I wake up with a shiver.

I remember.

I don't remember the massacre happening much, I have vague memories of my mother being very upset at the TV, but every year, I am saddened by this day.

The plain and simple fact is, everytime someone is killed because of their sex, gender, race, creed, or anything that makes them different from other people, is a crime against humanity.

The fact that women are being abused each and everyday is terrible.

The fact that we have all those every, however many minutes, blank happens in our world facts makes me so sad.

The fact that we are still totting weapons of mass destruction to people's lives in our own countries while looking for so-called weapons in other people's countries is absurd.

The fact that we buys these weapons from children making them in 3rd world countries is a sin.

The fact that we are becoming numb and desensitizing to these images is fucked.

Just fucked.

SO ANNOYED I CAN'T THINK OF A CATCHY TITLE!

Annoyed, Annoyed, Annoyed!!!!
That is how I am feeling lately, well the past couple of days, annoyed at things I would normally have great compassion for. I am snappy, and snippy and really think people are idiots.

I dream of a beach, with a frothy drink and a good book and a nap, oh a nap.

I begin to feel incredibly selfish when I start to feel this way, because I know that my life could be a lot worse. For godssake I just went to the funeral of a co-worker's father today, and the mood lifted. But as soon as I was back at work and the phones were ringing, I was annoyed!!

I had a fabulous weekend, my mom and oldest sister were in town, and I actually got to relax a bit. And there were good chats about the future, I actually started to think of myself as an adult around them, which is weird when you are the youngest in a large family.

I am not sure of the long term solution to this, but I know that one is not juggling two demanding ( on time) jobs at once, and actually starting on some of the goals I want to achieve.

Jenny had this amazing idea of setting a timer and doing a lot of things for a pre-determined amount of time. I think this could work for me. I might try it.

GRRRRRRR!!!!!!

In other news, the most awkward birthday party ever two weekends ago went well, I think I handled myself with the upmost of grace. I think my favourite gay Filipinos Manny and David should write a book of etiquette with ex-lovers. Loves it!